Hello, my name is Jordan, and I am a sensitive human being.
Is that how that goes? Please know I am not making fun of any sort of organization. My intention is actually to cheer on anyone seeking self-awareness in any form or fashion.
I also need to own my own stuff to decide what exactly I want to continue carrying on this journey, and what I can shed on the side of the road.
I think I've decided sensitivity can stay. And I didn't even realize she was there until somewhat recently. Is that ridiculous? I am nearing my thirties, and I didn't refer to myself as a sensitive person until this past year. I am a deep feeler who subconsciously saw feelings as a weakness. So when my heart burst open after my first daughter was born, I was consumed by an internal battle between my love and fear for her and my need to control and be okay no matter what happened. I wanted to call myself level-headed, not emotional.
This played a huge part in our marital turmoil after baby, too. Before Edie was born, I wore this "it's all good" mask. It was a major reason my husband was attracted to me--I was able to hang out with the bros without drama or complaining. I did my best to just go with it and stuff down anything that may have upset me. We all do that in relationships, don't we? We put a certain version of ourselves on display--the one we think our partner will find most pleasant and easiest to handle. I don't think I'm the only one, anyway.
If you've read anything I've written before today, you may be laughing at me right now. How could I not consider myself a deep feeler? Most of you probably find me extremely dramatic. But this is my journey, and it's taken writing it all out to this point for me to see myself for who I am, and (and this is the bigger point) to say that it is okay. I am okay to feel. It is okay for my earth to shake and for my feet to question the integrity of the ground beneath them in response, rather than to try to keep walking in a straight line. It is not a waste of time for me to hold my baby while she sleeps and cry at the miracle of her lips curling into a smile as she dreams of something I will never hear about. It is not the end of the world when I lose my shit and yell at my toddler and then drop to my knees to apologize and explain that I was having big feelings and did not stop to breathe through them like I should have. Big feelings in themselves are not the enemy, I tell her. It is okay to have them. How we grow to handle them is what matters.
I've been telling myself that lately, too. And I feel it, the growth. And it feels good.
Hello, I'm Jordan, and I am a sensitive wife and mother and daughter and sister and friend. Feeling things deeply shapes the way I see and write and take photographs and move my body. Sometimes it means I need to cry or yell or close my eyes in overwhelm. Always, it means I'm alive.
Nice to meet me. I'm excited to see where I go from here.