What Happens in Labor Stays in Labor

...Unless you're me, who feels the need to share these little gems with you with the hope you'll feel okay being absolutely insane right before you meet your little one! :)

Six Things You Might Hear Yourself Say During Labor

Midwife: We know you aren't quite there yet because you're still in good spirits and there haven't been any curse words yelled at us.

Daniel: I don't think that's going to happen--Jordan doesn't curse. That would be pretty hilarious.

Me: Yeah my plan is to try to stay calm and relaxed through this whole thing.

(...a few hours later...)

Me: Cut this baby out of me! I don't care! Cut her out! I know I said no C-section in my birth plan but F*** THE BIRTH PLAN!

Midwife: There it is! (Laughter) Now we're getting somewhere.


Me: I think I'm pooping! I pooped! I pooped, didn't I?

Midwife: No, you didn't poop, Jordan. Keep pushing.


(After a very long push during which I guess I held a low Tarzan-sounding note the whole time...)

Daniel: Wow. She could be the "GOOOOOOOOOOAL" guy for men's soccer.


Me: That time I definitely pooped! I pooped, right?

Midwife: Nope, still no poop. 


Me: Oh no! She's coming out of my butt! Something is wrong--she took a wrong turn somewhere!


(I'm squatting beside the bed pushing Edie to crown...)

Midwife: Do you want something to support your knees? That sounds painful...
(something about hitting my shins on the wooden bedframe between pushes...)

Me: What? No, shut up. I don't know what you're saying. I don't feel anything.
(I start pushing again. I did have bruises the next day.)


Sigh. Isn't birth beautiful? :)